This week I have had something constantly coming to my attention. It is something I have known that has been going on for a very long time. It is also something that I keep telling myself is just an issue because my dad has always had a problem with it, too. It is something that I tell myself all the time is just something I, and those around me have to deal with. It isn’t something that is my fault, I tell myself. But the truth is…it is something completely within my control with the help and grace of God.
I have some serious anger issues.
I don’t scream and cuss people out or threaten to beat people up or anything. It isn’t anything that really manifests itself in a way that people can see. The only exception is that my wife sees it manifest often (and I am deeply sorry about that). But it manifests itself within me. Underneath the surface I feel like I am this raging sea of anger and frustration. My thoughts really shouldn’t be heard by anyone because they are not suitable for public speech. I feel so embarrassed and upset to share this but it is something that the Spirit has really been impressing on me since this past Sunday. I don’t think there was ever any message or sermon or song or anything of the sort that opened up my eyes. In fact, I am not even sure when I first noticed it. I just remember thinking one day, “Wow. Why am I so angry?”
I am human. I am going to make stupid decisions and horrible choices. But that isn’t really an excuse, is it? Don’t we just use that as a way of covering up our sin? “Well, I’m only human. Other people probably do the same thing I do, yeah?” I have looked through Scripture and I can’t find anywhere where it says, “Someone worse than you is doing it, too, so don’t worry about it.” I can’t even find anywhere in Scripture where it says, “Just say, ‘I’m sorry, Lord,’ and then it won’t matter that you are sinning and keep sinning.” But…that is exactly what I think I do! I don’t know where I got that idea. I don’t know if I am just thick-headed and I just keep doing what I want to do or if I truly believe that I can just ask for forgiveness but keep on doing what I do. Actually, no, it definitely isn’t the second option. I’m just thick.
Paul puts it eloquently in Romans 7:14-24 (NLT) “So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle in life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?” Please note: all markings are my own.
(Let me add briefly here that anger issues aren’t the only problem that I have. There are many, many things that I could look at in reference to this post and verse. This is just the poison most afflicting me in my life right now.)
So, what is Paul saying? Well, firstly, he seems to make the same excuse that I do! “I am all too human,” and then Paul clarifies by stating that he doesn’t really understand himself (I don’t understand myself either). But he goes further by making the claim that if I know that I am doing something wrong, then I must be in agreement that the opposite of the wrong (which would be the law he is referring to) is good. Okay, cool. So I really am still trying to follow God since I recognize my sin for what it is! He goes on to say that, if this is the case, then I am not really doing wrong…it is the sin within me that is doing the wrong! Woooooo! A way out! It was never my fault at all! Call me Ponyboy because I am golden!...Okay…I have to admit…I don’t buy that. Not. One. Bit. And I do not believe Paul is saying that either. His next statement is interesting, “I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t.” There is a distinction there. If I want to do what is right but cannot, then it stands to reason that there is something that is not allowing for me to do what is right. Then, if I want to do what is good but do not, then that is my explicit choice to not do the thing which is good. Paul seems to be saying here that while there is definitely a sin issue in which we are prevented from truly doing what is right but there is still the option for us to do good despite that, and so often I choose not to do what is good. I have struggled with this passage as simply being a cover up of, “Oh, sin made me do it! I didn’t want to! It was all sin’s fault!” But recently, as I have reflected on this passage, I find that it says more about our choice to NOT do good than it is about sin FORCING us to do wrong. Because, just as Paul says, whenever I want to do what is right, I am just incapable of doing it. I choose to do wrong, even though I love God with all my heart. Paul hits the nail on the head when he says there is something at war within me. That thing is definitely sin. It is my human desire to do what I want to do despite the fact that I know better. It is my human response to do what I know is wrong even though I love God and want to do what is right. It is sin that stops me in my tracks from doing what is right and points me towards doing wrong. But it is still, every single time, my choice to not do what is good. It just may not be my choice every time to do what is truly right…I hope that makes sense. I think there is a small distinction in what Paul is saying that is easy to miss but it is crucial so that we understand that Paul isn’t just trying to give us an out. It is so much more than just giving us an out.
Well, this passage kind of leaves us in a dark place. We do what is wrong, can’t do what is right. Sin has us completely tangled up. It isn’t entirely our fault. But it is still our fault in the end, at least in part. If only Paul had left us something hopeful to leave on…Oh, wait! Silly me! Romans 7:25 (NLT), “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.”
Praise God from whom all blessings flow! We have Jesus Christ! The one person who can offer grace and forgiveness for our sins despite of our sinful nature that makes us a slave to sin! I really, really want to obey God, but I can’t…apart from Christ. That is Paul’s final message in this passage: there is hope…and that hope is in Jesus Christ to empower us to do what is good and forgive us when we do what is wrong.
I really struggle with angry thoughts. When I am driving it is like a foul-mouthed, crotchety, cynical man is just fuming beneath the surface. It stems from my sinful nature but I still have the choice to at least do what is good and focus on Christ and calm the man inside down. Give him some soothing tea with honey and lemon, some cookies, and a soft couch. You know, relaxing-type of stuff. Instead, my confession is that, more often than not, I pepper spray the guy right in the face just to get him riled up even more! Rather than try to put out the fire, I feed it kindling. I confess my sin here and now. I want to do what is right, but I cannot. I want to do what is good, but I choose not to. BUT, “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord!” I pray that Christ will forgive me of my sins as I have confessed them and that He will empower me to do what is right and to choose to do good. I pray that these words are not mine, but the Spirit in me.
Thank you all for reading!
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