Okay...

...I am realizing that I can be a huge jerk sometimes...and maybe that is okay (not OK okay but okay okay...am I making any sense?)...

What I am trying to say is that there is some kind of compulsion in Christianity to be perfect. To put on a good face and to grin and push through whatever it is. I think most people that know me would say that I am a pretty easy-going person and that I take a lot in stride. I have been known by the name Chill Dyl in my life, and I like to think that I'm pretty proud for being known for that! And while being chill is oftentimes a personality thing and maybe not so much a religious thing, there is an aspect in American Christianity where we have to hide our emotions. We have to feel good all the time. Being sad is looked down upon. Being depressed is a shameful thing. Being angry is sinful. But I want to call us on our lies. I have a friend who has suffered from depression and while we were at school together he and I had many conversations together, tears were shed, hurt was shared, but sometimes it got too much for me. I will be brutally honest at my own expense: there were times when I told him he was wrong for feeling the way he did and that he should be happy and sometimes I avoided dealing with him on my off days because I knew I was going to be a little harsh or mean. I regret nothing in life because what has happened can't be changed, only the present can be changed. That being said, I truly do wish I had been more understanding and patient with him.

In Scripture, some of the most beautiful words are from the mouth of Job as he tells of his suffering and how God wasn't doing as good a job as he thought God should and how death would be better than living his life. Also, in Lamentations we see the outpouring heart of a man who is so upset for his people and is in anguish and is just letting his heart bleed out to God. And in then Psalms we see various Psalmists crying out in much the same way! Yet, for some reason, here I am trying to hide my pain from God and from others and simultaneously continuing this cycle to my friend suffering with depression with a heart torn open by the pain in his life. Why do we do this? Jesus never, not once, said we should be happy. But I have been taught otherwise. And I have taught otherwise...my challenge is this: read through Lamentations or Job or the Psalms or the final words that left Christ's lips before he died and, just for a moment, put yourself in that mindset and truly feel, just for a moment, the pain. But, notice how these always end with Love. They end with God loving His creation despite their cries against Him. They end with the Scriptures telling us how, in the end, loving God and knowing His love for us through it all is what matters.

I am realizing that sometimes I can be a jerk. And I am also realizing that I am human and that, whether I like it or not, I get upset and angry and sad and frustrated. Sometimes, I will react to those feelings in ways that are less than loving. And sometimes, only sometimes, that is okay. Because we are going to have these feelings and they will occasionally cause a reaction in us. We must always repent if these reactions create sin in us or in others. But we have to recognize that God doesn't want us to be happy all the time. He knows we won't be. But He knows that He will always be there for us. And in the end, we must love Him and find comfort in knowing that He loves us.

*I want to add a side note here because there is one last thing that I feel I need to say with this. I struggle with finding the balance with what I mentioned earlier...is it okay to just express our emotions at all times? Should we bottle up on occasion? Are there times when we must seek joy despite our circumstances instead of feeling in the moment. I read an article the other day and shared it with my wife. Afterwards, she did her thing and read even more about the subject and it ended up being about the death of a husband who left behind a widow with 2 very small children. And in that, the widow who wrote the article mentions how she can't allow herself to feel all the emotions of reliving the day her husband died. She couldn't allow herself to live in that every day. I find that to be extremely healthy. But, at the same time, is it better for her to express those feelings and emotions to God? I truly struggle with this balance for people in these situations or for people that suffer in depression. I willingly admit that I don't have the answer. The best solution I have to this struggle is that each person must make their own decision on the balance of these. Maybe there are others that have a better answer than I.